It has taken me quite a while to finish this entry because, somehow, I was at a loss for words on this subject so I'm just going to write as much as I can feel right now and save the rest for later. So I've written about this student--this white male student--who had stepped INTO (not out of) his element to direct a derogatory statement at me. It was inevitable that somehow, considering his blatant lack of self-restraint and the clear absence of common sense that this flaw of humanity (God didn't create the monster that lies within this error of human judgement) demonstrated. The story is simple, He wanted my help, I ignored him, he lashed out and called me a NIGGER. Now I've had many encounters with derivatives of the word (which, arguably, have the same root no matter how you say it) but never before in my life had I been called that in a pejorative way from the mouth of a white man (a retarded one at that). The experience made me think of several things: 1) It took my achieving the highest level of education to hear the word; 2) Even the most retarded white person still thinks he can call me a Nigger; 3) Although we obtain economic and social "capital", we still have to be wary/prepared for the moment when a white person loses his/her senses and mentions this word around us.
Nigger. I say the word in this text simply to ensure that you are hearing it loudly and clearly. It meant something different coming from that spilled waste of semen (and yes, I refuse to call him anything human-worthy because his behavior was asinine and thus, in my opinion, he has surrendered his human qualities in my eyes...call it what you will). He looked me in the eyes and said "OK, NIGGER!" but not before he threatened to call his sperm donor to put me in my rightful place (probably back on their plantation, I'm guessing). I was the professor, he was the student and yet, and yet...AND YET...
A nation of cowards? That description is far too mild. One day I will finish this series of discussions about the many themes that emerged from my first encounter with a white carcass calling me an insulting name but for now, I'll leave with you my immediate response (in my head, of course), and pay homage to the greatest work of literature ever written by a human being without divine inspiration:
"One night I accidentally bumped into a man, and perhaps because of the near darkness he saw me and called me an insulting name. I sprang at him, siezed his coat lapels and demanded that he apologize. He was a tall blonde man, and as my face came close to his, he looked insolently out of his blue eyes and cursed me, his breath hot in my face as he struggled. I pulled his chin down sharp upon the crown of my head, butting him as I had seen the West Indians do, and I felt his flesh tear and the blood gush out, and I yelled, "Apologize! Apologize!" But he continued to curse and struggle, and I butted him again and again until he went down heavily on his knees, profusely bleeding. I kicked him repeatedly, in a frenzy because he still uttered insults though his lips were frothy with blood. Oh yes, I kicked him! And in my outrage, I got out my knife and prepared to slit his throat, right there beneath the lamplight in the deserted street, holding him in the collar with one hand, and opening the knife with my teeth--when it occurred to me that the man had not seen me, actually; that he, as far as he knew, was in the midst of a walking nightmare! And I stopped the blade, slicing the air as I pushed him away, letting him fall back into the street. I stared at him hard as the lights of a car stabbed through the darkness. He lay there, moaning on the asphalt; a man almost killed by a phantom. It unnerved me. I was both disgusted and ashamed...then I was amused. Something in this man's thick head had sprung out and beaten him within an inch of his life...Poor fool, poor blind fool, I thought with sincere compassion, mugged by an invisible man!"(p. 5)
The story that continues from that excerpt in Invisible Man is deeply moving and enlightening. I encourage you to read it further. My story, too, has yet to be completed but I will update as my thoughts become clearer. Consider this the second installment of several to come. There are so many thoughts to share about the madness surrounding the incident, that I will have to beg your patience in dealing with these short "teaser" entries. There's more, much more but "the end is in the beginning and lies far ahead." So please, "Bear with me".
.02
