Graduate school and friends

If I ask one in every ten friend or colleague I have what they know about my program, they will probably recite a long convoluted explanation of a paper I wrote or a description of my previous job. Nobody really understands what I do or what I am doing. I was accused the other night of having nothing to do, which is why friends, and family members abuse my time by waking me up at obscene hours of the morning whining about their problems, or just sitting in mere silence, or just to ask questions about nothing. So my status as a full-time graduate student somehow translates to free time. What people do not understand is the high demands that I face on a daily basis. Deadline upon deadline, project upon project. Right now I'm taking on summer course which basically translates to hell. What would have been 13 weeks of work has now been crunched into 4 weeks of work. I am expected to produce a dissertation proposal (something that takes months to prepare) in one month. Yet I am awakened daily with text messages, phone conversations about the weather, squabbles about irrelevant and minute things, instant messenger conversations about things that are beyond my scope at the moment, and a bunch of other things which make it evident that people think I sit around scratching my armpits all day.

So I made a new rule. I am no longer available for counseling or keeping company or for mindless chatter, etc. And the consequences, I'll face head-on with no qualms. I have lost many acquaintances on this quest of higher education: Those who curse me for not calling them back (because I have only free time right?) and those who think I was not there for them in their time of need have all written me off as someone who is inconsiderate or not quite a friend. So where is the support? Somehow my education has translated into worldly knowledge because I'm being asked to help edit this paper and that, formulate this idea and that, give feedback on this idea and that and the list goes on. While I am flattered by the confidence others have in my knowledge, I am overwhelmed by my own work and don't need the extra baggage. The most difficult part of doing doctoral work is being out there alone with nobody to share the joys and struggles with. Friends and family just don't understand.

My nights and days consist of constant reflection on the things I have due and on the things I plan to do to avoid staying in this program for another 10 years. I have met and still know people who have been enrolled in doctoral programs for 10+ years. Life happens, what can I say? But in order to avoid becoming one of them, I am aware that I must seclude myself from my own world of chatter and mindless involvement to focus on a greater goal. When I finally get through (which is what people keep asking...) I will be young enough to concentrate on building friendships that have solid foundations. However, at this time, my work is a full-time commitment which I must face head-on in order to avoid failure.

So I no longer feel guilty for ignoring my phone or turning it off for that matter. If people call me at 8am, I have no problems hanging up on them. When people insist that I hang out or visit them, I have no qualms about ignoring or turning down such invitations, and I feel no guilt for enjoying free time ALONE. Doctoral work is stressful and demanding and clearly those who have not experienced it with someone or on their own will never understand.